“Our ancient experience confirms at every point that everything is linked together, everything is inseparable” – Dalai Lama XIV
After writing the last post I have been in something of a quandary about how to approach the next ‘issue’. In the process of looking back at the ‘how’s’ and ‘whys’ of ending up in a traumatised state, the mind naturally seeks to find reasons or specific ‘things’ that have led to the situation. Most of us can review the ‘events’ of our lives and point to a great number of experiences that have created pain, suffering, and sadness. What my question is then, is if this experience of ‘suffering’ is so universal – so shared, and inherent to all living beings – why then, do we feel so isolated in this? What causes us to shut down, pull back, and internalise ideas, feelings and memories that, in all practical terms, do nothing but keep the ‘Pain Disco’ going on not just for a few nights, but for many months, years, or sometimes decades? If it was a party, surely, most guests would have the good sense to leave, or, at least, change the music? But for some reason, we get hooked on DJ Suffering – and now he’s a multi-platinum award winner.
Several years ago, I went through a very significant relationship break-up. Aside from one point in my childhood, I would look back at that time and still be able to recall with acute detail, the complete unrelenting suffering I felt on the day of the ‘breakup’ and for a long time afterwards. At that point I was entirely convinced my suffering was beyond the understanding of most people. It almost didn’t matter how much was offered to me in terms of support, love and friendship – that one person was ‘gone’ and I could see no future. It didn’t matter that I still had my ‘health’, my youth, my job, my studies, my friends, my family and every other blessing in the world – there was nothing – in my mind – but a vacuous pit where my ‘life’ used to be.
It didn’t matter that the very topic of my research was ‘yoga’ – a practice designed entirely to help us deal with the natural ‘suffering’ of the human condition – yoga went out the window. Everything went out the window. I wanted to not just feel the pain I was already in, it was as if my system was hardwired to exacerbate it even further. At that time it was the worst thing in the world – to be 26 and single. I’m not sure why it didn’t make me laugh at the time because it does now. It sounds great actually, but at that time, it was truly horrific. And I felt totally unable to find ‘refuge’ in anything on offer around me. So I booked a holiday and left.
Within a few days of landing in India, I started to see what ‘suffering’ really looked like. It wasn’t that my suffering went away – that was still as real to me as the pain of the limbless orphan begging on the dirty streets of Delhi. But being able to SEE the suffering was something I had never experienced. For days I wandered alone through those streets, and observed the differences – anyone who has been to India may be able to relate to this experience. The stark visual juxtaposition between the sanitised world of the West (which I had honestly never realised was SO CLEAN) and the gritty reality of a country with less money, less hygiene and less security. It shocked me to the core. And fascinated me at the same time. And for some reason, I started to feel better and better.
After a month of travelling I realised I had not cried at all for the entire trip. This may have been for a few reasons. One might have been the antidepressant medication I’d chosen to take at the time. Another might have been the fact I had a room-mate most nights (though being such a lovely person, I’m sure she would not have minded at all if I had). Another could have been the fact I was busy every day. I honestly didn’t have time to check if I’d packed “Ministry of Pain 2009 – Tragedy Mix”, pour another Kingfisher Beer and get grooving to the depressing beats. Part of it, I feel in retrospect, was because in this country, I didn’t feel alone in my pain. I could see pain everywhere. I knew it wasn’t just me going through some form of ‘less-than-ideal’ life situation.
Here, it was quite obvious. Life is usually, less-than-ideal. We very rarely get everything we want from the material world. And even when we do, there’s no guarantee at all we’ll get to keep it. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I started to see how hypocritical I had been. Researching and teaching yoga, and failing to grasp the basics – in and out, up and down, light and dark, night and day, inhale, exhale – we receive and we also, often, lose what we’ve received. But the attitude with which we ‘let go’ dictates how much pain we will feel along the way. I had made a choice to ‘let go’ of a relationship, but I had not wanted to let go of the idea of it, of the form or ‘gestalt’ of its future manifestations. I had wanted to cling to these as if they were the pieces of ‘mind stuff’ that could somehow be salvaged from the wreckage and repaired. But in this process I was holding onto constructs that did absolutely NOTHING aside from cause me more pain.
One day during this trip – somewhere in India’s north – my fellow travellers and I spent some time at a temple. It was a beautiful, very old temple. The energy there was utterly divine, and incredibly pure. And there were of course, also, a lot of very poor people – suffering people – who naturally, were hopeful of receiving some money from us. I felt compelled to sit with one woman and her child. She was quite old for a mother, very underweight and had eyes that I felt could see straight into my soul Her little boy was only 2 years at most, and looked ‘well’ but was clearly in need of food. I sat with her for what felt like hours but could only have been a few minutes. And then, finally, the tears came. Without warning, without asking permission, and with total abandon. I wept and wept and this woman with no money, no house and not a thing in the world took my arm and comforted ME.
Just writing this still makes me cry. This beautiful soul, struggling to get through the daily battle of survival in a situation that most of us will never even vaguely comprehend, was reaching out to me with her deep brown eyes, and sharing love with me. She didn’t know my story, and I will never know hers, but this moment was a true meeting, and it was through that deep, unfettered human connection that the dam gates finally started to burst and I could actually begin to ‘let go’ of the pain rather than keeping it locked inside like a secret treasure chest. It took no words, and no explanations – it was just a simple moment and a look of understanding. She didn’t judge because I had ‘everything’ and she has ‘nothing’ if we were to make a material comparison – that was not in the least part important. All that counted was that we were there in that moment, and both empathically understanding each other’s pain.
After that time I have often wondered why this experience meant so much to me. And why in spite of having ‘everything’ at home, it was this moment in a foreign country with a poor lady that tapped into the depths of my suffering. My own view on it might be very different to many others but intuitively it felt as though there was no need to ‘hide’ away in this place – because everything is on show – everything – even things you really don’t want to see. Life is on show. Death is on show. Illness, pain and misery are on show. There is no avoiding the idea of impermanence – it’s there for you, daily. In my view, sadly, the West largely still has a kind of ‘avoidance culture’. By this I mean that we don’t really like to look at what is sad or painful. Not only do we not like to look at it, we also don’t like it to be seen. So rather than seeing the reality of disease or the harsh image of someone having to use the gutter for a toilet, we mostly just see clean lines, straight roads and shiny cars. We all put on our ‘faces’ and go out to put on a thinly veiled façade in order to maintain some totally delusional idea that we’re all ‘okay’.
A beautiful video came to my attention recently which I felt so inspired by, and which ties in with what I am writing here It is by a group called The Liberators International who instigated a social ‘experiment’ where strangers in a large city, are invited to sit and gaze into another’s eyes silently. The results were amazing and you can watch the video here;
After watching this I realised that my experience in India – that deep profound connection – was not ‘unique’, but something we all need as humans. It is also something we can find right here, and right now. In our suffering, it is the bond of human understanding, empathy, and connection that can often be the catalyst as we move towards healing ourselves. And it is something I believe, our culture needs very much. Rather than putting on the ‘pain record’ and dancing alone in the dark, through sharing – even just one brief moment with a stranger – we can help each other realise that we are not alone in our pain. Human suffering is truly universal. But so too, is love.
Love and blessings to you all – if you would like to keep reading more please sign up to follow the blog – I’ll be aiming to post each fortnight.
x S x
